HaaS on SaaS

Jonathan Haas

I'm a product manager at Vanta with a passion for security and privacy. I write about SaaS, startups, and security.

The Product Manager's Guide to the Perfect Breakfast

11/8/2024

My first month as a Product Manager has been a whirlwind of meetings, Slack messages, and breakfasts at my desk. Here's a template to help you navigate the most important meal of the day in the fast-paced world of product management.

Written by: Jonathan Haas

A cup of coffee on a wooden table

In the decidedly fast-paced world of product management, even breakfast needs a framework. After extensive user research (asking my colleagues on Slack), multiple iteration cycles (trying not to spill coffee during stand-ups), and rigorous A/B testing (oatmeal vs. cereal), I’m excited to present the definitive guide to The Perfect Product Manager Breakfast™.

The Optimal Consumption Window

Through careful analysis of calendar conflicts and meeting schedules, we’ve identified the ideal breakfast consumption window: 6:45 AM - 7:15 AM. This time slot has been specifically chosen to maximize nutrient intake while minimizing calendar conflicts with APAC and EMEA teams.

Note: This window is subject to change based on conflicting calendar invites, unexpected Slack messages, and that one stakeholder who always schedules meetings at breakfast time.

Key Performance Indicators (KPIs)

Every good product needs metrics, and breakfast is no exception. Here are the critical KPIs for measuring breakfast success:

  1. Protein-to-Meeting Ratio (PMR): Maintain a minimum of 12g protein per scheduled sync
  2. Time-to-First-Slack: Should not exceed 2 minutes (we’re professionals here)
  3. Breakfast Net Promoter Score: Target is 8+ (as measured by your energy levels in your first morning meeting)

Coffee Requirements Specification

Coffee intake should follow an agile methodology, with continuous deployment throughout the morning. Initial MVP (Minimum Viable Pour) should begin at first wake-up call, with subsequent iterations every 30-45 minutes.

Current Sprint Coffee Count: 1 (Use increment button as needed)

The Meeting Paradox

As any seasoned PM knows, meetings follow the law of inverse productivity: the more important your breakfast, the more likely you are to have conflicting meetings. Our current data shows:

Current Morning Meeting Count: 3 (Numbers only go up)

Success Metrics

As the ancient product management proverb states: “A successful breakfast should be measured not by the calories consumed, but by the number of Slack messages sent while eating.”

Key Success Factors:

  • Multi-tasking capability (minimum 3 simultaneous activities)
  • One-handed eating proficiency
  • Strategic mute button usage during chewing
  • Slack response time < 30 seconds (even with mouth full)

Conclusion

Remember, this is merely a template and should be customized based on your specific use cases and organizational breakfast culture. All metrics are subject to change pending stakeholder feedback and quarterly OKR review.

Disclaimer: This template has been approved by 9 out of 10 stakeholders in a recent sync. The tenth stakeholder had to leave early to grab coffee.


About the Author: Jonathan Haas is a Product Manager who has successfully eaten breakfast during approximately 87% of his morning meetings (measured on a rolling 30-day basis).